Where I’m From:

Thanks to my friend Red (DrPepper is Good 4 the Soul) for this awesome idea. She posted this poem to her site and came up with her own. For more information check out her blog or click here: “Where I’m From” by George Ella Lyon. After reading Red’s poem I was inspired to write my own. So, here it is… I hope you like it. (I posted the “fill in the blank” version below mine so you can create your own.)

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I am from little red wagons, dandelions, and crayons. I am from Johnson & Johnson no tear shampoo, Transformers and Footie Pajamas.

I am from the Sun’s rays on Florida Beaches, blue siding on a doublewide manufactured home, BBQ cookouts in the backyard and giant shady pines that I used to climb.

I am from the hibiscus tree, wild daisies and glistening sea shells on the ocean sands; I am from bird feeders, flower planters, and squirrel huts.

I am from big Italian dinners (“mangia, mangia”), Irish drinkers, and dances with wolves. I am from Massachusetts’ police, Arkansas southern cookin’ and blue collar, hardworking, love their kids kind of folk.

I am from long family road trips in a van, rocking chair lullabies, and the sweet smell of home cookin;. I am from dirty knees and elbows, callused hands, and gentle hearts.

From “you can be anything you want to be” and “don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” From “always love your family even when you don’t really like them much”, and “how many times have I told you…”

I am from Catholic school and Southern Baptist revivals, and though I chose not follow those paths I have found my own comfort and understanding with “God”.

I am from books on spirituality, candles, and incense; from long walks in the woods and tarot card readings.

I am from “Lynn, Lynn the city of sin, you never come out the way you went in” (Lynn, MA). I am from T-bone steaks on the grill, potatoes and corn on the cob, from bowls of spaghetti and meatballs the size of your fist.

I am from a country boy and a city girl who would sacrifice themselves for their children’s happiness. From scotch and water, whiskey breath and cold beers on a hot day. From my grandfather’s hands and my grandmother’s eyes, my mother’s laugh and my daddy’s dimples.

I am from an old cedar chest with water rings, scratches, and the sweet smell of old books. From faded photos of loved ones past, sad eyes and regret of words never said. From hugs and kisses, love and laughter, family stories and happily ever after.

From believe in your dreams and love yourself.

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OK. Here’s the blank one so you can create your own. Have fun and enjoy. It’s a really great experience to reflect on your life.

The guideline, if you decide to participate:

1. I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.

2. I am from the _______ (home description… adjective, adjective, sensory detail).

3. I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail).

4.  I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).

5. I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).

6. From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).

7. I am from _______ (representation of religion, or lack of it).

Further description

8. I am from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).

9. From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).

10. I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).

New Poetry

I have posted some new poetry. The newer stuff is towards the bottom of my poetry page (see T’s Poetry). I really hope everyone likes it… but if you don’t, oh well… I still rock!

Check it out! Comments always welcome.

Perfectly Flawed

“My first act of treason was picking up a pen, my first act of love was finding myself again.” - Otep Shamaya

I find that when I write my darker self emerges free from the restraints of Society’s norm. Most people would not believe what goes on inside my head. I feel haunted. Sometimes the thoughts I have don’t feel like my own. It’s as if the thoughts are being pushed through me. It’s as if I’m providing the voice for those who cannot or don’t have one.

For so long I was ashamed of my writing. It’s dark, sad, dangerous. I was afraid of what people would think; that some would see me as somehow flawed. I’ve come to realize that I am flawed, perfectly flawed and perfectly incomplete. My writing reflects this. Listening to artists like Otep has helped open my eyes. Their music has been the catalyst for this change in me.

I have realized that every decision I have ever made in my life has been completely based on other people’s needs, not my own. Many of these people probably don’t even realize that my life is based off their dreams, their hopes, their fears. There’s no blame. There’s no regret. It is what it is. Now that I’ve had this realization it is up to me to embrace my self, my dreams, my fears, and make the changes that I feel are needed to make my life truly my own.  

To use a lyric from one of Otep’s songs: “My religion of resistance, challenging everything.” This is my new mantra… “challenge EVERYTHING!” Don’t take people’s word for it, figure it out for yourself. You are your best expert when it comes to your life.

Learning to Cook… for real

OK, so I know how to cook but I am far from gourmet. I can cook the hell out of pork chops, chicken, steak, cookies, and fish sticks. Seriously though, I just graduated with my Master’s Degree and now have no excuse not to pick up some of the cooking duties in my household. My man has been wonderful. He has cooked dinner for us almost every night since I started Grad School and probably before that. He likes to cook so it’s not a big deal but I promised him that once school was over I would start flexing my cooking muscles more often. The thing is… I like to bake more than I like to cook. So, most of what I know is about baking not preparing an actual meal.

Having said that, I am able to prepare a meat, veggie, and starch and no one has ever died (or even gotten sick) after eating my culinary creations. I have begun hunting for recipes so that I can surprise my man for a change. My ultimate dream is to bake an apple-cranberry pie from scratch. Mmmmm… I can almost taste it now. But, I digress, I need to find some tasty, fairly healthy recipes so that we can have the pie for dessert… not our meal. A coworker (and apparently an awesome chef… see www.picklesandcake.com) pointed me in the right direction.

I have always enjoyed food and I am amazed by what some people can do with limited ingredients. I love watching the food network, especially their “Challenge” shows like “Cake Challenge” and “Chocolate Challenge” where they have to create a themed piece of edible art in a limited amount of time. It blows my mind! My man calls it ”Food Porn”. I say that is something COMPLETELY different!

So, now I must prepare for battle with previously unidentified cooking utensils and herbs with funny names. I must learn to “wok this way” as they say.

Thoughts on Love & Hate

There are times in every person’s life, I believe, in which they question their own strength of will, their own integrity. I say this only because I have witnessed good people do horrible things and I myself have held contempt in my heart for people I hardly know. This quickness with which we judge others makes me fear for the future of humanity. History makes clear that when hatred swells in the souls of men we all suffer. War, famine, death and destruction are the only fruit which is bared from the tree of spite and ridicule.

What will it take before we realize that we are not our brothers’ keepers and we do not know what is best for all, but only ourselves? I am fearful that my children will never know peace except that which is provided at home. But, I am strong in my resolve to make their world as gentle and beautiful as I possibly can. Their tender hearts deserve this simple kindness in the least; to know that their mother holds them above all else and that as long as I am able I will keep them safe from harm. I will teach them the delicate balance of openly loving while protecting themselves. Love and Hate are only a breath apart and we must do all that we can to ensure that love reigns supreme. 

Returning to Nature

Sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating. I long for walks in the forest, the feel of the cool mountain air on my skin. I have lived in Florida for far too long. It is time to return to Nature. I will be moving to the north east soon and look forward to experiencing the seasons, the changing of the leaves, planting my own garden of fruits and veggies, and watching deer and other wildlife stroll accross my yard.

I am tired of traffic and smog, of angry tourists and city living. I feel a piece of my soul has withered being here, away from all that my heart desires. I see myself sitting on my porch swing, enjoying a hot cup of cocoa on a cold winter’s day; plucking weeds from my flower beds and my garden; watching butterflies and birds dart back and forth in the trees. I feel the warm summer sun kissing my skin and the evening breeze blowing through my hair. Give me forests and fields, mountains and streams, lakes to swim in and rivers to fish. In moving to this new place I feel my spirit is returning home.

Finally, I might feel at peace.

Nightmares…

Sometimes I feel that I have sold my soul. I feel dark and dangerous. On the outside I feel cool and calm but on the inside I feel on fire. People wouldn’t believe some of the thoughts that go through my head. I had a dream the other night that was very disturbing. I’ve had disturbing dreams my entire life. Some of them so real that even after I wake up I’m not sure if I’m really awake or still asleep. In one of the dreams I met the Devil, Satan, an evil entity… whatever you want to call her/him/it. In my dream it was an old Creole woman and I was in an old castle that was floating in the sky. She didn’t speak, she only stared at me but I knew who it was and why she was there and I told her that I wasn’t ready. I woke up chilled to the bone. I wrapped a blanket around me and sat in front of a little heater and I still couldn’t get warm. It was the most bizarre feeling I’d had in a very long time. But, this is not the dream I spoke of earlier. Here is the very disturbing dream I had just the other night (WARNING: It’s pretty messed up):

I’m crossing a field. It’s dim, the sun barely breaking through the clouds and fog. There’s a grove of trees in the distance. There’s a mist hanging all around the grove. As I approch I can see things hanging from the trees. I can’t quite make out what it is yet. I see movement in the shadows of the grove. I pick up my pace and as I approach the trees I can see that there are children hanging in the trees. They are thin, grey, and their ribs are showing. They remind me of holocaust victims. Their eyes are glazed over, a foggy blue color. There are hundreds of them. They are all hooked up to these machines, like the ones at the hospital that transfuse blood. There’s a very odd looking old man bent over the roots of one of the trees and he’s plugging in one of the children to the machine. I run up to him, grab him by the sholders, and scream, “What the Fuck are you doing?” I can hear the sickening sounds of the machines sucking and pumping and the creaking of the little bodies swinging in the trees. That’s all I can remember.

It was terrible.

I’m DONE!!!!

Woot Woot!!! I’m finally done. I graduated, I finished, I even got straight A’s this term. Holy shit I can’t believe it! I have been in school nonstop since Kindergarten. No joke!

I think I need a drink… or 5.

The Times They Are A’Changin’…

So much is going on these days. I am graduating in a couple of weeks. I just finished my classes. My braces came off (new, shiny smile). We just got our place listed and hope it sells soon. We’ll be working on it every day between now and when we move. We’re hoping to be in New York by August 1st. I’m looking for employment (Social Services) in the Binghamton, NY area. My man and I are getting hitched on June 28th. The times they are a’changin’! My life isn’t going to resemble itself in a few months. It’s very scary but also very exciting.

I’m looking forward to a clean slate. I’ve gotten so caught up in the rat race and being a chameleon (my personalities at work and at home are very different) that I’ve lost touch with who I truly am. Once we’re moved and no one knows us we’ll be able to embrace the real us and just enjoy being ourselves. We’ll meet new people, make new friends, etc.

It will be very hard leaving my friends and family here. I’ve lived in Florida for all but 4 years of my life. Everything and everyone I know are here. I will miss them dearly but I know deep down in my soul that this move is the best thing for me, my future hubby, and our future children. Hopefully everyone will understand and know that this something we need to do.

It’s a strange but wonderful feeling to be so confident about a choice that you’re making. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Discovering Otep

OK, many of you know I LOVE music and I am forever looking for new and inspired music. It is extremely difficult these days to uncover the solid, poetic, aggressive, heart wrenching, fist pumping kind of music that moves the soul but I have found this in Otep.

I’m not going to try and categorize Otep’s music because it deserves better than that. The music cannot be defined or labeled, it just IS. It has a life of its own and I find myself transported when I listen. It also doesn’t hurt that the lead singer is one hell of a rockin’ chick (not meant in an offensive way at all). Otep Shamaya kicks so much ass, it isn’t even funny. Her vocal range and ability is mind blowing! She growls and purrs, screams and sighs, soothes and unnerves. Her lyrics are otherworldly and often in-your-face. There has never been another band or musician who has made me want to stand up and fight quite like Otep does.

The gituar rifts are fucking amazing and the drummer is a monster… the beats move through you.

I have added some of their videos to my VodPod collection for your viewing pleasure. But, please purchase their music so that you can get the full effect. Otep’s recent CD is The Ascension. I’m in love… this music is essential to any collection!

Now, go kick some ass!!!