Today is a 5 on a scale from 1 to 10. I’m in a blah mood, no reason really just having one of those days. I’m a counselor so days like these make my job a little tougher. I have to focus on my clients even though I can feel myself drifting away mentally. It’s not that I don’t care or ‘feel their pain’ but when I’m feeling drained already it just makes the whole thing a bit more challenging.

Anyway, on to the next client.

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. Not that I’m planning to die any time soon but it’s been on my mind. I lost my grandfather a few years ago to cancer. I was with him in his last days and saw things that made me rethink death. Many times he would drift in and out of consciousness and each time he would tell us that he saw his parents, or brothers, or other family that had long since passed. He would even see his dog, Spuds, that had passed away. At times he seemed to be dancing in his sleep. He was a big fan of big band music and his hands would sway as if he were conducting the band.

I remember sitting in the room, in a little rocker, just watching him. At one point I felt a “presence” in the room. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. The “presence”, I believe, was Death. This may sound very strange to any one who has never experienced this before but I felt “it” brush past me and saw the blanket move slightly as if someone had just walked past the bed. There were no air vents blowing in the room, the windows were closed, and I was the only one there. I felt “wings” brush my arm and a warmth filled me. It was as if this “presence” was telling me it was OK. I don’t know, really, but I felt at ease in that moment. My Papa was an amazing man and he is greatly missed but I know he is watching over us now, probably sitting at some bar in heaven with his family having a couple of drinks and dancing to big band music.

My grandmother (Nana) misses him deeply. I know she wishes she were with him or that he was still here. I can see the sadness in her eyes and I wish I could ease her pain but I know I can’t. I’ll be getting married soon and I really wish my Papa was here to see it but, again, I know he’ll be watching and I’ll toast him and blow a kiss to the sky.

I Miss you Papa! I know someday I’ll see you again. Just know you’re in my heart always! XOXO

1. Last movie you saw in a theater? It’s been so long I can’t even remember!

2. What book are you reading? Eckart Tolle’s The Power of NOW and Slash’s Biography (Guns & Roses Guitar Player). I just finished up Nikki Sixx’s book The Heroin Diaries. All great reads!

3. Favorite board game? Trivial Pursuit and I love Apples to Apples but I don’t know if that constitutes a board game or not.

4. Favorite magazine? Psychology Today and Scientific American.

5. Favorite smells? My man… he smells soooooo good. I also love the smell of cinnamon and apple pie baking.

6. Favorite sounds? Silence is my favorite but I also love the sound of the ocean waves and birds chirping (as long s it’s not 4:00am!)

7. Worst feeling in the world? Being Nauseous and having diarrhea at the same time. You never know which end to aim at the toilet and you know you’re gonna have to clean it up either way.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? I think to myself, “today is going to be a beautiful day!” It usually puts me in a good mood and gets my day off to a good start.

9. Favorite fast food place? I don’t have one. I’m not big into fast food.

10. Future child’s name? Girl: Kaitlyn Autumn, Boy: James Christopher. I also love the name Phoenix.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….? Pay off my debt, my parents’ debt and then buy a home in the country for me and my man and give my parents some cash so they could get a nice place too. I’d also tuck some money away for my little brother. 

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Not unless you count my man. J

13. Storms – cool or scary? Cool, very cool (as long as I’m not caught out in a lightening storm… that’s scary!)

14. Favorite juice? Simply Orange brand Orange Juice with heavy pulp.

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the spare time I would….”? Spend it being creative out in nature. I’d sculpt, draw, paint, sing, dance, and take pictures. I plan on making time for that anyway because it’s important to me.

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli? Yes.

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice? My hair looks awesome when it’s dyed an auburn red. I think it’s the Irish in me.

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in? Lynn, MA; Paris, AR; Ormond Beach, FL; Orlando, FL; and Longwood, FL.

19. Favorite sports to watch? I loves me some football… Go JAGS!!!

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you? Red always makes me laugh and she is so genuine. That’s hard to find these days!

21. What’s under your bed? Two guitar cases and new carpet!

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again? I’d be cool with that. I think I ROCK!

23. Morning person, or night owl? Oooooo… it really depends. I can go both ways. J

24. Over easy, or sunny side up? Neither… scrambled only, a dry scramble at that!

25. Favorite place to relax? In nature with a good book.

26. Favorite pie? Apple… is there any other, JK.

27. Favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla right now, it used to be chocolate.

28. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first? I didn’t tag… Red let me steal it. J Thanks Red!

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I am from little red wagons, dandelions, and crayons. I am from Johnson & Johnson no tear shampoo, Transformers and Footie Pajamas.

I am from the Sun’s rays on Florida Beaches, blue siding on a doublewide manufactured home, BBQ cookouts in the backyard and giant shady pines that I used to climb.

I am from the hibiscus tree, wild daisies and glistening sea shells on the ocean sands; I am from bird feeders, flower planters, and squirrel huts.

I am from big Italian dinners (“mangia, mangia”), Irish drinkers, and dances with wolves. I am from Massachusetts’ police, Arkansas southern cookin’ and blue collar, hardworking, love their kids kind of folk.

I am from long family road trips in a van, rocking chair lullabies, and the sweet smell of home cookin;. I am from dirty knees and elbows, callused hands, and gentle hearts.

From “you can be anything you want to be” and “don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” From “always love your family even when you don’t really like them much”, and “how many times have I told you…”

I am from Catholic school and Southern Baptist revivals, and though I chose not follow those paths I have found my own comfort and understanding with “God”.

I am from books on spirituality, candles, and incense; from long walks in the woods and tarot card readings.

I am from “Lynn, Lynn the city of sin, you never come out the way you went in” (Lynn, MA). I am from T-bone steaks on the grill, potatoes and corn on the cob, from bowls of spaghetti and meatballs the size of your fist.

I am from a country boy and a city girl who would sacrifice themselves for their children’s happiness. From scotch and water, whiskey breath and cold beers on a hot day. From my grandfather’s hands and my grandmother’s eyes, my mother’s laugh and my daddy’s dimples.

I am from an old cedar chest with water rings, scratches, and the sweet smell of old books. From faded photos of loved ones past, sad eyes and regret of words never said. From hugs and kisses, love and laughter, family stories and happily ever after.

From believe in your dreams and love yourself.

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OK. Here’s the blank one so you can create your own. Have fun and enjoy. It’s a really great experience to reflect on your life.

The guideline, if you decide to participate:

1. I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.

2. I am from the _______ (home description… adjective, adjective, sensory detail).

3. I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail).

4.  I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).

5. I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).

6. From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).

7. I am from _______ (representation of religion, or lack of it).

Further description

8. I am from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).

9. From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).

10. I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).

Check it out! Comments always welcome.

I find that when I write my darker self emerges free from the restraints of Society’s norm. Most people would not believe what goes on inside my head. I feel haunted. Sometimes the thoughts I have don’t feel like my own. It’s as if the thoughts are being pushed through me. It’s as if I’m providing the voice for those who cannot or don’t have one.

For so long I was ashamed of my writing. It’s dark, sad, dangerous. I was afraid of what people would think; that some would see me as somehow flawed. I’ve come to realize that I am flawed, perfectly flawed and perfectly incomplete. My writing reflects this. Listening to artists like Otep has helped open my eyes. Their music has been the catalyst for this change in me.

I have realized that every decision I have ever made in my life has been completely based on other people’s needs, not my own. Many of these people probably don’t even realize that my life is based off their dreams, their hopes, their fears. There’s no blame. There’s no regret. It is what it is. Now that I’ve had this realization it is up to me to embrace my self, my dreams, my fears, and make the changes that I feel are needed to make my life truly my own.  

To use a lyric from one of Otep’s songs: “My religion of resistance, challenging everything.” This is my new mantra… “challenge EVERYTHING!” Don’t take people’s word for it, figure it out for yourself. You are your best expert when it comes to your life.

Having said that, I am able to prepare a meat, veggie, and starch and no one has ever died (or even gotten sick) after eating my culinary creations. I have begun hunting for recipes so that I can surprise my man for a change. My ultimate dream is to bake an apple-cranberry pie from scratch. Mmmmm… I can almost taste it now. But, I digress, I need to find some tasty, fairly healthy recipes so that we can have the pie for dessert… not our meal. A coworker (and apparently an awesome chef… see www.picklesandcake.com) pointed me in the right direction.

I have always enjoyed food and I am amazed by what some people can do with limited ingredients. I love watching the food network, especially their “Challenge” shows like “Cake Challenge” and “Chocolate Challenge” where they have to create a themed piece of edible art in a limited amount of time. It blows my mind! My man calls it ”Food Porn”. I say that is something COMPLETELY different!

So, now I must prepare for battle with previously unidentified cooking utensils and herbs with funny names. I must learn to “wok this way” as they say.

What will it take before we realize that we are not our brothers’ keepers and we do not know what is best for all, but only ourselves? I am fearful that my children will never know peace except that which is provided at home. But, I am strong in my resolve to make their world as gentle and beautiful as I possibly can. Their tender hearts deserve this simple kindness in the least; to know that their mother holds them above all else and that as long as I am able I will keep them safe from harm. I will teach them the delicate balance of openly loving while protecting themselves. Love and Hate are only a breath apart and we must do all that we can to ensure that love reigns supreme. 

Sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating. I long for walks in the forest, the feel of the cool mountain air on my skin. I have lived in Florida for far too long. It is time to return to Nature. I will be moving to the north east soon and look forward to experiencing the seasons, the changing of the leaves, planting my own garden of fruits and veggies, and watching deer and other wildlife stroll accross my yard.

I am tired of traffic and smog, of angry tourists and city living. I feel a piece of my soul has withered being here, away from all that my heart desires. I see myself sitting on my porch swing, enjoying a hot cup of cocoa on a cold winter’s day; plucking weeds from my flower beds and my garden; watching butterflies and birds dart back and forth in the trees. I feel the warm summer sun kissing my skin and the evening breeze blowing through my hair. Give me forests and fields, mountains and streams, lakes to swim in and rivers to fish. In moving to this new place I feel my spirit is returning home.

Finally, I might feel at peace.

I’m crossing a field. It’s dim, the sun barely breaking through the clouds and fog. There’s a grove of trees in the distance. There’s a mist hanging all around the grove. As I approch I can see things hanging from the trees. I can’t quite make out what it is yet. I see movement in the shadows of the grove. I pick up my pace and as I approach the trees I can see that there are children hanging in the trees. They are thin, grey, and their ribs are showing. They remind me of holocaust victims. Their eyes are glazed over, a foggy blue color. There are hundreds of them. They are all hooked up to these machines, like the ones at the hospital that transfuse blood. There’s a very odd looking old man bent over the roots of one of the trees and he’s plugging in one of the children to the machine. I run up to him, grab him by the sholders, and scream, “What the Fuck are you doing?” I can hear the sickening sounds of the machines sucking and pumping and the creaking of the little bodies swinging in the trees. That’s all I can remember.

It was terrible.